Here is the latest Internet hoax and  the photo that comes with it.  Facebook morons are pumping these out faster than the Franklin Mint pushes out worthless 9-11 memorabilia.

MOTHER TERESA NEVER SAID THIS!  IT’S EVEN ADDRESSED THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE ON HER OFFICIAL WEBSITE.  IT LISTS THE FAKE QUOTES AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.  HOW FRIGGING HARD IS IT TO LOOK SOMETHING UP BEFORE YOU SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF YOUR MORONIC FACEBOOK SIMPLETONS?

Assault in a tanning salon, writing bad checks, Federal income tax evasion — it’s all in a day’s work for Mike The Situation Sorentino of MTV’s Jersey Shore.  But, as the jowly faced 30+ something moron waits to hear about his sentencing on all of these various crimes, his get-me-a-paper-bag face is changing from a kinda homely guy with a nice set of guns and abs, to a really fugly, cheeky and jowly guy whose abs and guns have gone to “pushing-forty” seed.

A bus ride home from the State Home For Iowan Simpletons paid off handsomely for Mackenzie and Steven Schultz when they left a $100 tip to a struggling waiter at a really bad restaurant.

“Steven and Mackenzie stopped at the Kozuki restaurant in Cedar Rapids to celebrate their sixth anniversary because in Iowa it is legal for mentally impaired people to get married provided that one of the betrothed has an IQ of 67 or higher.  Luckily Steven’s IQ comes in at 68 and he was able to marry Mackenzie who lost most of her intellect when it was absorbed by the excess tissue in her gums,” said a source close to the investigation. 

Okay — now shoot me.  Yes, I called them simpletons and I made fun of her gums. Why shouldn’t I?  These two dimwits pretended that they were heartbroken for the struggling waiter who was burdened with 12 tables and no help.  I don’t believe they did this because they cared or because they’re such wonderful people.  They did it because the whole “photo-of-restaurant-receipt-with-note attached” routine seems to be the newest way to get some cheap-ass fame. Their plan worked too!  They are featured on the cover of every simpleton’s favorite magazine “US” and the extremely slow-minded Today Show — just look for her giant gums.

In my opinion, the don’t give a flying fuck about the waiter.  They just tried to cash in for 15 minutes of fame  Again, this is my opinion — I mean about her gums.  Maybe some people will not think they’re so huge.  Everything else I said about these two is probably true.  There is also a rumor that Gummy and her husband have opened their own restaurant in Iowa and did this as a publicity stunt.  So, unless they’re going to give away free food, I say don’t go to it.

Anyway, the two idiots in question paid their $66 bill in spite of horrific service and then left the bedraggled waiter a $100 tip.

They wrote on the receipt:  “We’ve both been in your shoes.  Paying it forward.”  So then, like all Good Samaritans do – NOT –  they took a photo of the receipt and posted the whole frigging story on Facebook.  PLEEEEEEEZE!

First of all Hubby and Gummy, if you’ve both “been there” you would know that the waiter (real name D. Kyle Malgue.) was not going to keep the $100.  He would be forced to share that tip with all the other shitty servers and bartenders and busboys who made his job so hard in the first place.  So right there the two of you are full of shit.  You didn’t help Kyle — you gave a few bucks to everyone who works at that dump and you saved the owners of Kozuki from being forced to hire more help.  How frigging stupid?

The answer to that is simple.  The Schultz duo ain’t so dumb after all.  Well — they’re dumb in the moron sense — but they were smart enough to know how to manipulate the overly maudlin and mildly retarded people who rule the roost on most folk’s Facebook pages.  Now they’ll even get on “ELLEN” — the official nation of the Simpletons of the world.

Mackenzie “Gums” Schultz said: “It was very obvious that the issue was being short staffed, not the server. He was running around like crazy and never acted annoyed with any table.  At one point we counted he had 12 tables plus the bar. More than any one person could handle! As I sat there and watched him run back & forth and apologize for the wait, I said to Steven… ‘Wow, this used to be us.’ Waiting tables. I don’t miss it at all and I never loved that job. I did it for the tips.”

Listen up, Mackenzie.  If you really cared and you really wanted to “pay it forward” you would not have taken a picture of the receipt — with your name and the last 4 digits of your Amex card on it no less — on Facebook.  Face it —  you wanted ATTENTION!  Good Samaritans do not look for photo ops.  They don’t even have Facebook accounts.  I hope if you make money off of this, you get your gums filed down.

BY:  Damien LeGallienne — EXCLUSIVE FOR THE DAMIEN ZONE

It started with a trickle of ice and some cold water and now it has taken over the internet. All kinds of people, from high school jocks to 90 year old grandmothers, are taking the A.L.S. CHALLENGE to raise awareness about Lou Gherig’s Disease — and some of them are dying.

Since the beginning of the summer of 2014 when people started dousing themselves and others with icy water and challenging others to do the same or donate to an ALS charity, the ALS Challenge has raised a substantial amount of money, but it has also killed at least a dozen people in the USA alone.

“I was watching when my brother-in-law did the ALS thing in the park with his kids at our family reunion.  Everybody was laughing and having a good time when Mike took the bucket and poured it over his own head.  He let out a gasp like anyone would do when they get freezing water poured on their heads and we laughed.  But then, all of a sudden, Mike wasn’t laughing and he looked up at his wife and he tried to wave for her to come over to him and then he dropped down and turned gray.  The paramedics were there in about 10 minutes but he was dead.  The whole picnic and everything was ruined. People’s lives were ruined.  I think people should just write a check or something.  I know it’s a fatal disease but it’s not worth dying for.” [Raymond Totetundi, Mamaroneck, NY. USA]

Raymond Totetundi’s brother-in-law Mike is neither the first nor the only person to die as a direct result of the ALS challenge, but his death in a crowded cookout park was the first to bring attention to the possibility of serious injury and death associated with the ALS Challenge.

Here is list of three people and the circumstances that resulted in their deaths after taking the ALS challenge.   The first one is strange but true and, of course, it could only happen in New Jersey.

1) Concetta DelloFagiollo, age 77,  Belleville, New Jersey:  Mrs. DelloFagiollo was killed in early August (2014) when she took the ALS challenge in a rather unconventional way.  Instead of ice cold water, she used a large pot of ice cold tomato sauce and meatballs while standing in the backyard of her home as two of her sons and four of her grandchildren watched on in horror.

She’d made the two gallons of sauce and meatballs weeks before and then froze it for future use.  She put the pot in the refrigerator so it would thaw out over a couple of days.  Her son says she got the idea to take the challenge when she saw it on TV.

With her grandson’s cell phone cam running, Mrs. DelloFaggiollo’s sons Carmine and Alphonse dumped the pot of tomato sauce and meatballs on her head.  In the video she seems momentarily chilled and she jokes, “I don’t think that Lou Gherig was Italian.”  Then, she falls to the ground and her body starts twitching. The video ends there. EMS was on the scene in minutes but Mrs. DelloFagiollo was already non-responsive and was declared dead a half hour later at a local hospital.

“One minute we were a family having fun with our mother and the next thing you know we’re standing in the Emergency Room of a hospital and standing there while the doctor told us our mother was dead.  It was like a dream because she was right there behind the curtain and you could smell the gravy and meatballs and it was like she was already in heaven and calling us home for supper like when we were kids.  That’s the only way I could describe it.  The doctor was nice but he couldn’t understand the way we felt because he wasn’t Italian.” [Carmine DelloFaggiollo - son]

2) Jolene K. Parlhunter, age 33, Millstone, New Jersey:  Jolene stood under the roof her family’s garage while her brother’s prepared to dump an aluminum garbage can of ice and water.  Her cousin Jennifer filmed the event as Jolene called out the challenge to several of her friends at work.  As Jolene is speaking, her brother accidentally knocks over the trash can and it falls from the garage roof and lands hard on Jolene’s head.  Her skull was crushed and she was killed at the scene.  Police estimated the weight of the trash can filled with a block of ice and water at about 170 pounds.  The block of ice alone weighed 75 pounds. Police have confiscated the cell phone used to film the event pending an investigation.

“She was just getting ready to tell her brothers to dump the water but her older brother almost fell and when her other brother reached out to help him, the can just fell down hard and squashed her head like when  you drop a pumpkin from something high up.  I dropped my phone and ran away screaming because she was all messed up and disgusting.  The weird thing now that I think about it is that her brother’s didn’t even bother to break up the giant block of ice they put in the trash can, so even if they got it right, that block of ice would still have killed her.  Why didn’t they even think about that in the first place?” [Jennifer Smith - cousin]

3) Karl Boulliet, age 66, Keansburg, New Jersey:  Karl took the challenge on a fishing boat out on the expansive Raritan Bay while participating in bluefish tournament.   Karl had just landed a bluefish that, at 25 pounds, was certain to win him the the $1.000 grand prize, and in the flush of victory he decided to take the ALS Challenge right there on deck.   His nephew Taylor-Joe Hudak describes.

“My Uncle K was really happy to catch that fish and him and his friends gulped down a few beers and everybody was like going crazy and having a great time.  Then some guy I don’t know decided that it would be a great idea to use some crushed ice and picnic cooler full of ice and water to make my uncle take the ALS Challenge right there on deck.  My uncle was totally into it.  So like three of us filmed it and he challenged some other guys on the boat and his sister who is my mother and then these guys dumped the ice water on him.  He was cold and shivering but laughing. Then he walked to the back of the boat and while he was walking he just collapsed and was out cold.  He was breathing but we could not wake him up.  It took about 5 minutes for us to get to the dock but by then he wasn’t breathing and the firemen did CPR but he was dead in the ambulance and they said he had a heart attack from the shock. Personally I think that he finally caught a great fish and that’s the way he wanted his life to end.”

Editor’s note:  Most people should consult their doctors before taking the ALS Challenge.  The Damien Zone thinks that it might be a better idea to donate some money to a worthy cause associated with this incurable disease.

NOTE:  Commenting on this article is very easy and hassle free — no crazy stuff to fill out or cross check —  but the downside is that it might take a few hours for your comment to appear while an editor approves it and sometimes responds.  All comments within reason are published, so keep checking back.  We do not edit out profanity so speak your mind.  This is a free country — express your opinions.

Joan Rivers will probably not survive this and Melissa Rivers (her daughter) will have to make all the decisions until such time that Joan passes away..  This isn’t Melissa’s first tragedy, but she’s up to the task. [Damien LeGallienne]

This is a possible scenario for the truth about Joan Rivers’ current condition as the world waits to hear about the fate of their beloved comedienne.  She will probably hang in there for a few more days and then she will be put in a private room where she will pass away.

Latest reports say that Joan Rivers is now “resting comfortably” in a medically induced coma.  The phrase “on life support” has been heard. So what does that mean? Here are some answers from Hollywood Insider and scientific writer Dave Matt.     

These are not 100% certain facts as they pertain to Miss Rivers, and not even her doctors know what will ultimately happen,  but I will present a very likely scenario for what is probably happening to Miss Rivers and to what may have happened to her — all the elements that led up to her current status as a patient in New York City’s  Mount Sinai hospital.

Early Thursday 28 August 2014 –  Miss Rivers was put under sedation for what some initially believed to be an ENDOSCOPY — a procedure wherein a tube is placed into the throat to have a look at the stomach and esophagus.  This was assumed because the private outpatient center where she went for this procedure describes itself as “a resource for digestive disorders.” 

Later reports stated that she went there to have her vocal chords examined. That kind of work could have been done in a private surgery suite such as this one where Joan Rivers was taken ill with cardiac arrest.  It’s not a great idea, but it can be done.  

In either case, the place where Joan went is a qualified medical office where many wealthy New Yorkers go for private care when they get minor procedures; chiefly, endoscopy of the stomach and esophagus.

During the procedure, it was reported that Miss Rivers stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating.  This unforeseen complication can happen during any procedure where one is anesthetized to any degree — even in a dentist’s chair.

Sources now say that CPR was applied at the clinic but one can assume that more aggressive means of life sustaining support actually began after paramedics arrived on the scene.

Okay, so here is what may have happened afterwards, and in my opinion is probably what is going on now.

Miss Rivers “failed” during the endoscopic procedure and whatever life saving measures they did there — at that very moment — and how well they worked minute by minute — will determine the ultimate fate of Joan Rivers.

If the doctor or doctors who performed the procedure at the clinic were skilled in emergency medicine and equipped for emergency resuscitation — if they had some, any or little success reviving her, she still may have gone for a considerable length of time without adequate oxygen for her body to maintain function.

The degree of oxygen deprivation depends on the amount of time JOan Rivers went without breathing or someone breathing for her via mouth to mouth or by “bagging.”  The organ most in question and usually the most affected is the brain.

The ambulance that came to take Miss Rivers to Mount Sinai — even under the fastest circumstances — would have taken at least 8-10 minutes.

Upon arrival, the paramedics would have started or initiated resuscitation — perhaps shocking her heart with a defibrillator and breathing for her with a bag or mechanical ventilator while or after they rushed her to the hospital wherein more advanced equipment would be available and her condition could be more thoroughly accessed.

Currently, she is said to be intubated/ventilated — on a breathing machine — and she has been placed in a medically induced coma.

There are many reasons for putting someone in a medically induced coma, but in this case these are some certain possibilities.

She may have suffered brain damage from a lack of oxygen to the brain, and they are watching her neurological signs.  This is very likely.  A deep coma slows down swelling of the injured brain.

Miss Rivers may have suffered some extensive organ damage from the lack of oxygen to her other organs as well, and the best way to keep her body oxygenated and to keep her other organs from failing is to keep her deeply unconscious and on a breathing machine or a (ventilator) with an oxygen content that is much higher than ordinary air.  Her body temperature has also been lowered as this seems to aid in reducing further brain damage.

It is now known that Miss Rivers’ life is indeed being maintained by mechanical means.  She might also have been comatose to begin with and the drug-induced coma serves only to ensure that she is in a totally suspended and “stable” state

Another possibility is that Joan suffered some kind of medical crisis at the private surgery center.  She may have had  a cardiac event and/or stroke or one of the many things that can go wrong with a patient before, during or after any medical procedure.

Miss Rivers is 81 years old, and while her energy and her talent seems eternally energetic, advanced age is not in her favour at this point.  When she is removed from life sustaining equipment — breathing and feeding machines etc — she will either continue to breath on her own for an unknown length of time, or she will expire.  The hospital has not said — and will not say — the extent of the  of brain damage, but neurologists will watch her brain functions with electronic telemetry. If she shows little to no brain function, then removing her from the machines after whatever length of time has been determined by her family will either result in her death or continued life in a yet-to-be-determined condition.

My best guess is that she is currently being held in a “stable” condition while doctors address the issues of how much end organ and/or brain damage, if any, may have occurred during the time when she was either not breathing or her heart was not beating or both.

Is Joan Rivers on life support?  Yes — in a sense — essentially she is totally on life support.  I cannot say if her brain is damaged , but it sounds suspiciously like there must be some degree of suspected brain deficit.

Keep in mind that Joan Rivers was taken to Mount Sinai hospital whilst still unconscious.   This is not to suggest that someone who has a heartbeat restored and is now breathing and beating, simply pops up instantly and becomes awake.  That can happen — mostly in movies — but obviously this is not the case here.  The doctors at the endoscopy clinic did not bring her “back to life.”

Currently the doctors ay Mount Sinai are watching her organ functions.  Kidneys, lungs, brain etc.   Her brain is the main thing thrown into this life or death equation.

The other looming danger here — assuming her brain is okay or somewhat okay — is always the fear of ARDS — Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome.   This is what can happen to lungs after oxygen deprivation or trauma to the body or any of its organs.  It is often fatal, but so far ARDS is only something that CAN happen.  At the present time, that issue has not been addressed because her brain function takes top priority.

In the end, the odds would suggest that Miss Rivers was without oxygen for some length of time and this is what they are dealing with now — a brain that has been injured to some extent.

Hopefully she will recover, but the amount of time that has passed suggests that she is only theoretically “stable” having been medically placed in a stable state of “wait and see.”  This is a grim situation.

Her daughter Melissa is by her side making difficult decisions as the doctors do whatever it is they must do in this situation and keep the family informed on her overall prognosis — which is probably very poor at the current time.

The end results will be, partial recovery, full recovery, lingering coma and life support, or death or opting to hasten death by disconnecting her from all manner of life support.  The fact that she will die within the next week to ten days is the most likely scenario.

Melissa Rivers will have to make all the decisions until such time that Joan passes away or she recovers.

Let’s pray that Joan Rivers comes to her rest without any fear or pain.

On the New Jersey shore, close to the decay of Asbury Park, lies a place called Allenhurst — and they have their own private beach club.   It’s called the Allenhurst Beach Club, and each year on Labor Day they put the lives of their members in jeopardy by dying their ocean lime green with a chemical dye they say is safe and fun for all.  They’re wrong.

There is nothing safe about dumping a whole lot of a chemical into an ocean filled with children, teens and adults.  They think this is cute and fun and great but the chemical in question is used in medicine and all forms of science wherein a tracing dye is needed.

But, like all things that start out nice until some kids start getting cancer, it’s a great tradition — just like the tradition of never seeing one African American face in any of the Allenhurst Beach Club’s website photographs.  It kind of seems as though the Allenhurst Beach Club likes for its water to be green and for its members to be white.   Traditions are great.

The green water event organizers — Jack Lehmann and Gail Matarazzo — whoever they are — and they certainly are not chemists — dumped two vats of a chemical called Fluorescein sodium into the oceanfront upon which their uppity beach club lies.   Then everyone runs into the green and glowing ocean and has a blast.  Sounds kinda sick, doesn’t it? 

On Saint Patrick’s day, way back when, they used to dye the Chicago river green with this very same substance but it was banned by environmentalists in 1966.  Can you imagine that?  Something that has been banned for nearly 50 years in Chicago is still making oceanic mirth in Allenhurst, NJ.  Can you believe the stupidity of these people?  I can.  They’re a bunch of nouveau elitist morons who don’t give a shit about anything.  An ordinary person can’t even get on their beaches let alone have a chance to bathe in the glowy green ocean — and lucky for them because all that green fun might kill them.

Here is how Wikipedia describes the chemical.

FLOURESCEIN: “Topical or oral use of fluorescein can cause adverse reactions including nausea, vomiting, hives, acute hypotension (a sudden drop in blood pressure), anaphylactic shock (like a serious reaction to a bee sting or a peanut allergy) and related severely allergic reactions that can result in cardiac arrest and sudden death due to the severity and speediness of the allergic reaction.

The most common adverse reaction is nausea, due to a difference in the pH from the body and the pH of the sodium fluorescein dye; a number of other factors, however, are considered contributors as well.

The nausea usually is transient and subsides quickly. Hives can range from a minor annoyance to severe, and a single dose of antihistamine may give complete relief. Anaphylactic shock and subsequent cardiac arrest and sudden death are very rare, but because they occur within minutes, a health care provider who uses fluorescein should be prepared to perform emergency resuscitation.”

So — enjoy your dip in the ocean at the Allenhurst Beach Club — if they’ll allow you to become a member.  Remember that TheDamienZone.com dedicates itself to weeding out the stupidity and dumbness in out world, and this summer, the Swimming o’ the green at Allenhurst is not only UNLUCKY — it’s the dumbest thing we ever heard.  Have a look at the club — scroll down to read the membership policy — oh wait — they are not accepting new members.

Allenhurst Beach Club

BEACH INFORMATION

Chris Rogers – Beach Manager
Jack Lehmann – Beach Manager

Link to Allenhurst Beach Club Official Websire

 Beach Club is now open for the Summer
Enjoy and be SAFE

ALL LOCKERS and CABANAS ARE FILLED
NO NEW MEMBERS FOR 2014

Official Opening June 19, 2014 and closes for the season on September 26th, 2014.
Locker and Cabana clean-out September 28th, 2014.

Hours of operation 
June 19  –  June 30 10:00 AM to 6:00 PM
July    1  –  Sept 26 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM

On the most recent edition of the Fox News program, THE O’REILLY FACTOR. it was readily apparent that Fox contributor and pundit, Juan Williams — formerly of NPR — has had a great deal of plastic surgery.

“Juan had an eye job (blepheroplasty) and a brow lift,” said a source close to the FOX CABLE NEWS NETWORK.

“Juan has had a bunch of plastic surgery done all at once.  He also had a heavy chemical peel to help hide the effects of teenage acne.  Since all of these procedures were done so recently. Juan has had to wear a lot of extra makeup when he is on the air.  When you combine the heavy makeup ( which makes his look whiter) and all the surgical procedures, mainly around the eyes, the change in Juan Williams’ appearance has changed drastically.

An update will follow this late-breaking story.

“In my opinion, going to work in West Africa was part of ‘The KACI HICKOX SHOW” — her favorite show in the world. 

“If she infects someone, she should be charged with murder. As she is now, she should be charged with reckless endangerment.” 

“She demanded to be sent out of New Jersey and now in Maine she refuses to follow the protocol for health care workers returning from West Africa because, in my opinion, she doesn’t really care about human life.  

“I believe that everything she has done in the healthcare industry is rooted in narcissism and a kind of perverse enjoyment she gets from being surrounded by the dead and dying.  She’s a mental case and there are plenty more just like her.”  [Damien LeGallienne] 

Set aside for a moment the slim chance that Kaci Hickox might have Ebola and take a deeper look at what I believe to be her true illness — her mental illness.

Sounds simplistic, but the first clue that confirms the theory I am about to present is her name.

Yes.  The simple and silly fact that this woman spells her name in an invented way gives away the fact that she is a crazy person. Her name is probably Casey, but since she seems to be an “all about me” person, she has invented a crazy spelling — for attention.  If her parents did indeed name her Kaci — and spelled it as such — then they’re nuts too and she has inherited their lunacy.

Let me put this is as simply as possible.  Kaci Hickox, in my opinion,  is a sadistic narcissist.  She places value on no one’s life but her own.  Again, I believe she is a sicko in the deepest sense of the word.  She has the proverbial “crazy eyes” too.

In my opinion, Kaci Hickox’s face is the face of the worst kind of clinical narcissism.

All of her work in West Africa can now be dismissed as null and void. She is not a hero — seems she never really was. Her good deeds were actually rooted in narcissism and self-importance and not love for her fellow man.

Strangely enough, this is not uncommon behavior. A lot of mentally screwed up people love mayhem and illness — this is why they like to work in certain fields. Have you ever taken a look deep into the lives of a lot of people who work at animal shelters or on ambulance crews?  Sure 90% of them are just doing a job, but the rest are sick.  They actually enjoy illness and death.  A lot of people who work in animal rescue secretly harbor joy in crucifying delinquent owners or pet abusers.

Naturally it sounds like a good thing to care about the welfare of injured or neglected animals.  Greater still is the desire to assist people who need an ambulance, but in many cases the true devotion of these types is that they enjoy seeing sick and dying animals and people.  They are drawn to this kind of creepiness.  

Think about it this way.  What if Mother Teresa did all of the things she did not because she loved to help the sick, but because she was aroused by the smell of filthy people and rotting flesh?  Sounds crazy, right?  I am certain that Mother Teresa was not motivated by stench and misery, but a lot of people are — and this is why they go into certain professions or vocations.  

Such is the case with Kaci Hickox.  

In the 18th and 19th century,  Kaci would have been called a “night nurse” — someone who gently watches over the sick in the wee hours when nobody else is around and most of the patients kick the bucket.  It was widely known — or at least whispered about – that many or most of these night nurses weren’t really the caring and selfless creatures of God they presented themselves to be.  Instead they were monsters who didn’t want to share the joy of death with others.  They derived perverse pleasure from death and dying and they wanted to be there.  You might find this hard to swallow, but there are all kinds of mentally sick people walking around — and they wallow in the mayhem and misery.

In much the same way, Kaci Hickox is a night nurse — the worst kind. In my opinion this woman does not care about human life — she cares about herself. Going to work in Africa was part of her show — her “look at me” gig. If she infects someone, she should be charged with murder. As she is now, she should be charged with reckless endangerment.

James Buchanan was the 15th President of the USA and he served in office from 1857 until 1861 when he was succeeded by Abraham Lincoln.

Buchanan was a bachelor for life, and while living in the White House, his niece was appointed as Official Hostess.

Officially, President Buchanan’s fiancee, Ann Coleman,died from grief back in 1819 when James spent more time working at his law firm than courting his devoted — but delicate — betrothed.  Ann’s death was Buchanan’s handy excuse for never again courting or seeking to marry any woman, but he did like to “busy his mouth” with woodies.

Doctor’s reports suggest that Ann Coleman died from a broken heart, but recent revelations suggest that she actually offed herself with a bottle of Laudenam (morphine, opium, codeine and alcohol) when she found out that her beloved James was enjoying the company of young muscle men from carnivals and circuses.

The recent discovery of a diary belonging to Ann Coleman’s closest friend, Anastasia Hemphill,  has changed the face of that story forever.

“Our dearest Ann was at the time overcome with revulsion when she came upon Mister Buchanan lying nude in a guestroom aloft with Kelvin Osford who was at the time a massive strongman with a traveling carnival.  Both men were in a state of tumescence and James was busying his mouth on the manhood of the vulgar and sweaty behemoth. I will go to my grave knowing that the sight of this horrific depravity led Ann to betray her truest Faith and she preferred instead to leave the Earth with the greatest of expedience.” [Anastasia Hemphill (beloved friend) 1821.]

A subsequent really bitchy letter to Anastasia from a man named Kelvin Osford was found folded inside of this page.  The letter was written by a Dr. Chapman (proxy) at the behest of Kevin Osford who was, “unschooled and of simple mind and unable to write even the simplest letter or salutation for himself.”

“Warmest regards to you, Miss Hemphill.  

“As it would not be socially fitting to present myself in your exemplary company, I share your sorrow on the loss of a lovely young lady and eternal friend, but perhaps you can find solace in the fact that James is sick of mind and uncaring.  He would have been an atrocity as as husband to even the lowest grade of woman.

“Buchanan lives only to be enthralled with the muscles of large and burly men and acts of sodomy. 

“Yes, I was engaged in an unspeakable act when it was discovered by Miss Coleman, but I am only one of many young men who have been well paid by Mister Buchanan to engage in unspeakable acts.  

“I have developed my body with heavy weights and stones and now at age twenty-two I too am caught in the web of decadence and debauchery that is the wont of Mister Buchanan and several of his male companions who worship me as a Greek statue and hand me subsequent sums of money and food stocks.

“I oblige you and seek forgiveness on the loss of your friend.  Please be mindful of the sad fact that I engage in deviant behavior with gentlemen only because my mother in Salem is sick with a cancer on the skin and her financial situation is poor at best. I know that this decrepit copulation with other men is entirely unnatural, but I am caught in a web of sin and deceit and self hatred.  

“Please find comfort in the knowledge  that a marriage joining Mister Buchanan and the dearly departed Miss Coleman would have had a most grievous endurance.  I beg your forgiveness and the forgiveness of our Lord.” [Kelvin Osford - as told to Dr. N. Chapman]

So — according to the close friend of President Buchanan’s fiancee, and the bodybuilder he fancied — Old James liked ‘em big and burly and muscular and dumb.  Seems this guy Kelvin Osford had all of that and more.  By the way “tumescence” means engorged, In other words, she found them naked with woodies and BuchanaN was blowing Osford.  (Busying his mouth).

It’s safe to assume that James’ woody was smaller than Osford’s because other letters exchanged between “Nancy” men of the same era and area often make mention of the large size of Osford’s “tumesence” and his muscles.  It seems that Osford was the hot ticket male “companion” of his day, and in higher class circles, the behavior of the men who fancied him was ignored to some extent.

On the New Jersey shore, close to the decay of Asbury Park, lies a place called Allenhurst — and they have their own private beach club.   It’s called the Allenhurst Beach Club, and each year on Labor Day they put the lives of their members in jeopardy by dying their ocean lime green with a chemical dye they say is safe and fun for all.  They’re wrong.

There is nothing safe about dumping a whole lot of a chemical into an ocean filled with children, teens and adults.  They think this is cute and fun and great but the chemical in question is used in medicine and all forms of science wherein a tracing dye is needed.

But, like all things that start out nice until some kids start getting cancer, it’s a great tradition — just like the tradition of never seeing one African American face in any of the Allenhurst Beach Club’s website photographs.  It kind of seems as though the Allenhurst Beach Club likes for its water to be green and for its members to be white.   Traditions are great.

The green water event organizers — Jack Lehmann and Gail Matarazzo — whoever they are — and they certainly are not chemists — dumped two vats of a chemical called Fluorescein sodium into the oceanfront upon which their uppity beach club lies.   Then everyone runs into the green and glowing ocean and has a blast.  Sounds kinda sick, doesn’t it? 

On Saint Patrick’s day, way back when, they used to dye the Chicago river green with this very same substance but it was banned by environmentalists in 1966.  Can you imagine that?  Something that has been banned for nearly 50 years in Chicago is still making oceanic mirth in Allenhurst, NJ.  Can you believe the stupidity of these people?  I can.  They’re a bunch of nouveau elitist morons who don’t give a shit about anything.  An ordinary person can’t even get on their beaches let alone have a chance to bathe in the glowy green ocean — and lucky for them because all that green fun might kill them.

Here is how Wikipedia describes the chemical.

FLOURESCEIN: “Topical or oral use of fluorescein can cause adverse reactions including nausea, vomiting, hives, acute hypotension (a sudden drop in blood pressure), anaphylactic shock (like a serious reaction to a bee sting or a peanut allergy) and related severely allergic reactions that can result in cardiac arrest and sudden death due to the severity and speediness of the allergic reaction.

The most common adverse reaction is nausea, due to a difference in the pH from the body and the pH of the sodium fluorescein dye; a number of other factors, however, are considered contributors as well.

The nausea usually is transient and subsides quickly. Hives can range from a minor annoyance to severe, and a single dose of antihistamine may give complete relief. Anaphylactic shock and subsequent cardiac arrest and sudden death are very rare, but because they occur within minutes, a health care provider who uses fluorescein should be prepared to perform emergency resuscitation.”

So — enjoy your dip in the ocean at the Allenhurst Beach Club — if they’ll allow you to become a member.  Remember that TheDamienZone.com dedicates itself to weeding out the stupidity and dumbness in out world, and this summer, the Swimming o’ the green at Allenhurst is not only UNLUCKY — it’s the dumbest thing we ever heard.  Have a look at the club — scroll down to read the membership policy — oh wait — they are not accepting new members.

Allenhurst Beach Club

BEACH INFORMATION

Chris Rogers – Beach Manager
Jack Lehmann – Beach Manager

Link to Allenhurst Beach Club Official Websire

 Beach Club is now open for the Summer
Enjoy and be SAFE

ALL LOCKERS and CABANAS ARE FILLED
NO NEW MEMBERS FOR 2014

Official Opening June 19, 2014 and closes for the season on September 26th, 2014.
Locker and Cabana clean-out September 28th, 2014.

Hours of operation 
June 19  –  June 30 10:00 AM to 6:00 PM
July    1  –  Sept 26 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM

That horrible baseball-stealing woman with the Suze Orman lipstick lesbian haircut — that square-assed  old hag in white pants and a big bully belt who snatched away a baseball from a child, has finally been identified.   Her name is Grennele Brashkowitz, and if you think she is the most hated wicked witch in the world, wait until you hear what she does for a living.

Baseball fans the world over have been wanting to know her identity ever since she snatched the ball away from the unidentified child to whom it was thrown by a Juan Miranda at Minute Maid Park in Houston.

“The announcer on TV said what I did was ‘beyond wrong’ but there is nothing wrong with a kid learning that life is about competition and learning to take the hard knocks,”  Brashkowitz said from her home in New York City where she works as — get this — a child psychologist of all things.

“I was on a cross-country vacation with my life companion Judy, and we decided to go to a baseball game.  I even bought a special outfit at Nordstrom — white shirt with white pants and a huge leather belt — I looked great and I deserved to be on TV.  I deserved that ball too.  That little kid will have a lot of chances in life.  Sometimes she will screw up and sometimes she will succeed.  That’s the way life goes for everybody.   So get over it!”

Brashkowitz is now heading back to her native Quebec since she feels that her life has become unlivable since she snatched the ball from that poor little girl.  She is being drummed out of her job and shunned in her community.

“I didn’t even know the kid was there.  I didn’t even see her, but what difference should that make?  I win!  That is what I do!  In the long run the kid will get on TV shows and whatever but I will always be seen as an evil woman with a big ugly belt.  Yeah, that’s what the guy on the local news said about me.  He said I had an ugly belt.  Can you imagine saying that about a belt I bought for $99.00 and that was with 40% off.  How could it be ugly?  

“I can’t take it anymore in this f****g country and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me or my hair or how out of style they say I looked or that my ass was big and flat like they say.  Yeah, let’s see you live with those kinds of insults and see how long you can take it.   And all this because I beat out a little brat for a baseball.  Give me a break!”

Grennele Brashskowitz is a child psychologist in private practice with four other clinicians.  So far all of the staff has walked out and the partners are in the process of buying her out of the business.  Strangely enough, according to her associate, Daneesh Pargrim PHd. she is beloved by her patients and has never had a blemish on her record.

“Don’t feel sad that you’ve been duped and you’re basically a stupid idiot.  Even the old raggedy folk singer Janis Ian shared it on her Facebook wall — and she got 300,000 likes.  Wow, wouldn’t you like to be able to do that — even with a fake story?

Of course,  this is not the first time Janis Ian has fooled the entire world with a fake story.  Back in the 1960s with her song “Society’s Child” she had the whole world fooled into thinking that some imaginary black guy would want to f**k her.  And now, in her 80s or something, she has converted to Lesbianism — so the whole point is moot.”  [Damien LeGallienne]

The Facebook Simpletons are at it again, folks, and this time the fake quote of the year has been attributed to none other than Meryl Streep.  You know — MERYL STREEP — the old actress who sits in the front row at every Academy Award ceremony and anoints,  with just a nod of her enlarging head and crooked razor nose, the next big Hollywood actress.

Meryl is greatly admired by people who think that being able to do bad impersonations of foreign or regional accents is the hallmark of great talent.   Meryl Streep, through no real fault of her own, is the champion of the stupid.  She is the favorite of fat housewives, people with no taste in cinema, and now, with her latest portrayal of the drunk and pill popping mother of a dysfunctional family, she is the darling of all passed middle-aged confirmed bachelors who dutifully do the grocery shopping with their elderly mothers.

So anyway, what is all the fuss?  The fuss is about a big and magically inspirational (not) quote/essay that is floating around under a photo of Miss Streep.  You know the drill, right?  Somebody shared it to your Facebook wall and you were so moved and so touched and so enlightened and so goddam stupid that you shared it.

The quote starts out like this:

MERYL STREEP SAID —  “I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with…etc”  NO SHE DID NOT!  IT’S FAKE!

That’s as far as I will go — because aside from the fact that it’s fake,  it’s stupid and simplistic and maudlin and it’s EVERYWHERE!   Why is it everywhere?  It’s everywhere because it is written the way psychics make predictions or Astrologists write hororscopes.   They use some kind of magical force that reaches far beyond the mind of the Facebook Simpleton and suddenly everything they say applies to you.  You can’t believe how much you and Meryl Streep think alike.  You’re kindred Simpletons.  That has to be somewhat comforting, right?

What?  You can’t believe you were duped?  Of course you can’t.  If you COULD believe it, you would never have been duped in the first place.  Hush…it’s okay…it’s okay.  You are a Simpleton, my humble reader, and there is nothing wrong with you other than the sad fact that you’re a FSWS — Facebook Simpleton Who Shares.  There are millions of you.  You aren’t alone, and if you’re not alone, you’re okay.

Notwithstanding the dumbness of so many people who share this eternally dumb shit, when does it end?  I mean, when do you finally figure it out?  When do you learn to see the obvious fake quotes?

I sometimes wonder if this kind of internet stupidity isn’t some kind of terminal illness — after all, even a rat with an electrode drilled into its skull eventually learns which lever to push to get the cheese.

But — lab rats are decidedly more intelligent than the Facebook Simpleton Who Shares, and unless they bite you with mouths full of sewer bacteria, the lowly rat is not anywhere near as dangerous as the Facebook Simpleton Who Shares.

Okay, you want to be liked, so you spread misinformation and fake stories with nary a care about truth or accountability.  But that is as it should be.  It’s the way the average person goes through life simply because the average person is a Simpleton.

It might not be so bad after all when you think about it.  I mean, if you are reading this, maybe there is hope for you.

In other words, if you are reading this, you might – A) Have a serious problem separating fact from fiction and you go through life like a sewer rat or –  B) You’re not as dumb as most of your cousins and high school friends or their kids or their videos of cats and grandchildren or people pouring buckets of water on their heads.

Getting back to the quote, which was actually written by some Portuguese bullshit artist for one reason or another, I could dissect the whole thing and show you why the mindless people in our midst are swayed and swooned by the maudlin sentiment therein, but I don’t have time.  It’s enough for you to know that just about everyone on your Facebook page, including Janice Ian, is, to some degree or another, a Facebook Simpleton Who Shares.

NOTE: Commenting on this blog is easy — I don’t put you through hoops to speak your mind.  I don’t care how much you insult me or hate me.  And, unlike most bloggers, I often respond.  Yes, it’s true.  I often take the time out to respond to both my fans and my haters.  Not an easy task either since I get about 100,000 readers per month.

Here is the latest Internet hoax and  the photo that comes with it.  Facebook morons are pumping these out faster than the Franklin Mint pushes out worthless 9-11 memorabilia.

MOTHER TERESA NEVER SAID THIS!  IT’S EVEN ADDRESSED THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE ON HER OFFICIAL WEBSITE.  IT LISTS THE FAKE QUOTES AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.  HOW FRIGGING HARD IS IT TO LOOK SOMETHING UP BEFORE YOU SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF YOUR MORONIC FACEBOOK SIMPLETONS?

Assault in a tanning salon, writing bad checks, Federal income tax evasion — it’s all in a day’s work for Mike The Situation Sorentino of MTV’s Jersey Shore.  But, as the jowly faced 30+ something moron waits to hear about his sentencing on all of these various crimes, his get-me-a-paper-bag face is changing from a kinda homely guy with a nice set of guns and abs, to a really fugly, cheeky and jowly guy whose abs and guns have gone to “pushing-forty” seed.

A bus ride home from the State Home For Iowan Simpletons paid off handsomely for Mackenzie and Steven Schultz when they left a $100 tip to a struggling waiter at a really bad restaurant.

“Steven and Mackenzie stopped at the Kozuki restaurant in Cedar Rapids to celebrate their sixth anniversary because in Iowa it is legal for mentally impaired people to get married provided that one of the betrothed has an IQ of 67 or higher.  Luckily Steven’s IQ comes in at 68 and he was able to marry Mackenzie who lost most of her intellect when it was absorbed by the excess tissue in her gums,” said a source close to the investigation. 

Okay — now shoot me.  Yes, I called them simpletons and I made fun of her gums. Why shouldn’t I?  These two dimwits pretended that they were heartbroken for the struggling waiter who was burdened with 12 tables and no help.  Bullshit.

I don’t believe they did this because they cared or because they’re such wonderful people.  They did it because the whole “photo-of-restaurant-receipt-with-note attached” routine seems to be the newest way to get some cheap-ass fame. Their plan worked too!  They are featured on the cover of every simpleton’s favorite magazine “US” and the extremely slow-minded Today Show — just look for her giant gums.

In my opinion, they don’t give a flying fuck about the waiter.  They just tried to cash in for 15 minutes of fame, and because they are starting their own restaurant nearby.  By smearing a local restaurant under the guise of presenting themselves as super great people, they’re trying to sucker the sentimental simpletons in their area into patronizing their establishment.

Again, this is my opinion — I mean about her gums.  Maybe some people will not think they’re so huge.  Everything else I said about these two is probably true. Gummy and her husband have opened their own restaurant in Iowa and did this as a publicity stunt.  So, unless they’re going to give away free food, I say don’t go to it.

Anyway, the two idiots in question paid their $66 bill in spite of allegedly horrific service and then left the bedraggled waiter a $100 tip.

They wrote on the receipt:  “We’ve both been in your shoes.  Paying it forward.”  So then, like all Good Samaritans do – NOT –  they took a photo of the receipt and posted the whole frigging story on Facebook.  PLEEEEEEEZE!

First of all Hubby and Gummy, if you’ve both “been there” you would know that the waiter (real name D. Kyle Malgue.) was not going to keep the $100.  He would be forced to share that tip with all the other shitty servers and bartenders and busboys who made his job so hard in the first place.  So right there the two of you are full of shit.  You didn’t help Kyle — you gave a few bucks to everyone who works at that dump and you saved the owners of Kozuki from being forced to hire more help.  How frigging stupid?

The answer to that is simple.  The Schultz duo ain’t so dumb after all.  Well — they’re dumb in the moron sense — but they were smart enough to know how to manipulate the overly maudlin and mildly retarded people who rule the roost on most folk’s Facebook pages.  Now they’ll even get on “ELLEN” — the official nation of the Simpletons of the world.

Mackenzie “Gums” Schultz said: “It was very obvious that the issue was being short staffed, not the server. He was running around like crazy and never acted annoyed with any table.  At one point we counted he had 12 tables plus the bar. More than any one person could handle! As I sat there and watched him run back & forth and apologize for the wait, I said to Steven… ‘Wow, this used to be us.’ Waiting tables. I don’t miss it at all and I never loved that job. I did it for the tips.”

Listen up, Mackenzie.  If you really cared and you really wanted to “pay it forward” you would not have taken a picture of the receipt — with your name and the last 4 digits of your Amex card on it no less — on Facebook.  Face it —  you wanted ATTENTION!  Good Samaritans do not look for photo ops.  They don’t even have Facebook accounts.  I hope if you make money off of this, you get your gums filed down.

BY:  Damien LeGallienne — EXCLUSIVE FOR THE DAMIEN ZONE

Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader of North Korea has been missing from the public eye for over a month.  Seems nobody has seen him since early September when it was reported by the BBC that the portly Dennis Rodman fan was walking with a discernible limp.  He may have had a limp, but was it a limp leg or a limp wrist?

Rumors are spreading that Kim Jong Un has been deposed because he was caught hoarding gay pornography from Western Europe and the USA in his spacious bedroom, and that he may have been fooling around with a few high priced Eastern European gay porn stars who he smuggled in as “friends” and “basketball buddies.”

“They are making up all kinds of possibilities for what’s going on with him,” said a gay porn producer in Prague.

“He was seen walking with a limp because his uncle’s bodyguards beat him badly when they were tipped off by a computer expert that the Supreme Leader had a taste for Slovakian muscle guys.  

“At first he was given the benefit of the doubt that this was perhaps a Western plot to defame him, but people who know said that his personal living areas were raided and ransacked and that over four thousand  porn magazine were found in his master suite bedroom which is about 6,000 square feet all by itself.  

“Since the stuff has been confiscated, the fat pig has been under house arrest and kept in solitary confinement until such time that he confesses.  The penalty will be death but right now the powers that be are trying so hard to keep this quiet that he might be killed off by saying that he had a fatal disease.  Those people are really crazy.” 

It’s no secret that Kim Jon Il likes black guys with big muscles and that his friendship with American Basketball star Dennis Rodman is really just a schoolgirl crush.

“Dennis Rodman has never had any sexual contact with Kim Jong Il,” said a source close to the NBA star.  

“Dennis was the one who suggested that Kim Jong Un get a penis enlargement over two years ago.  Dennis was unaware of Kim Jong’s penchant for gay porn, but he did know that the Korean leader was sensitive about the smallness of his penis.  Dennis heard that Kim Jong Il’s penis enlargement surgery went well but maybe something has gone wrong with the surgery or maybe he has used his now bigger tool with confidence with gay porn actors.  It’s hard to tell because nobody seems to know anything other than the fact that he was caught with a lot of gay porn magazines, DVDs and downloaded movies on his computer.”

According to sources who are usually pretty reliable, the Korean leader was able to increase the size of his penis from 3.2 inches to a thicker 4.7 inches, which, in Korean terms, is not too shabby.

Disclaimer:  If Matthew Todd Miller is really just a spy masquerading as a freak of nature, I hereby withdraw this entire opinion piece.

“This numbskull — and I am sure there is a clinical term for what’s actually wrong with him — has returned from a psycho trip to North Korea where he should have been left to eat golden retrievers and rice, but was instead returned home like a conquering hero.  Saint Gerard never got that kind of treatment — and he cured sick and dying people for chrissakes. 

“Matthew Todd Miller is a guy who looks like a third-tier Gap print model or a demented Catholic saint, and he should be locked up in a nuthouse until such time that he is fit to live among normal people.  The final irony is that he tried to run away and live among abnormal people — which is where he belonged — but the USA and a lot of other highly strange people with odd intentions got him sprung from the nuthouse called North Korea.  Can you beat that?”  [David D. Mattia] <—click to read about the writer. 

So — don’t you just hate it when mentally sick misfits and losers and weirdos become celebrated American martyrs?  I do– and it happens all the time.

I mean, think about it.  You work hard your entire life and for the most part, aside from friends and family and a few passing strangers, nobody notices you for 80 or so years unless you do something really right or something really really really wrong. A murder conviction doesn’t count all that much because, unless it’s an infamous case, you’ll have to settle for a small advertisement of your life on some small town police blotter.

Actually, the “doing something really really really right” part doesn’t count either, because a lot of people do really right things all the time — and nobody cares. Of course you know the the old saying:  No good deed goes unpunished.

It is true, however, that a really well-placed REALLY RIGHT thing can, at the very least, make you a brief sensation on Facebook or YouTube where the simpletons of the world live only to share and comment and wallow in maudlin sentiment, but that’s the most fleeting fame of all.

You can, for example, donate a kidney to a homeless person and you’ll get half a million shares from people who will have “cried when they saw this” but soon they’ll forget all about it as that story moves down and out through their timeline.  In a few weeks you’ll be left with your fame all spent and your one remaining kidney working double duty.

Then what do you do?  Well, you can hire Montel Williams to go to bat for you, but that gets costly – like the PayDay Loans he shills for on TV commercials — the loans with the 409% interest.   If you think I’m exaggerating, you can look that up.

Anyway, you raise a family, but your sons and daughters are more or less born into the same fate as you.  To quote Quentin Crisp, “You fall from your mother’s womb and roll across the ground under enemy fire until you drop into your grave.”

Sad, but true.

In spite of your best intentions, your children and their children will live their lives virtually unnoticed whilst doing a lot of good things or a couple of really bad things.

Your son could be really great at his job, but his name will never be mentioned in the New York Times or the National Enquirer.  He might get a nod in a trade magazine or something, but the USA will never send an Air Force  jet to pick him up somewhere in the world should he lose his credit cards or his mind.

Of course the USA has its natural born Killer Misfits — like the Columbine freaks — and other assorted dopey teenagers with naive notions who go about destroying lives and killing people.  But then, after the dust settles down at the cemetery and CNN, a lot of people forget that some people are just psycho misfits who should have never been born.

Blame for the Killer Misfit is placed on things like gun control or Prozac or computer gaming.  Incredibly, the misfit who is/was really just a psychopath, rises to great fame because his madness had been attached to all the beloved accouterments that belong to stupid people who believe in stupid things.  I would say that 50% of people with some kind of “cause” are at least a little nuts, or barring all nuttiness, they’re just stupid and they’ve got whatever it is their championing all backwards. It’s play acting.  It’s Darla and Alfalfa putting on a show.

It’s understandable why people like the Columbine Killers and Timothy McVeigh and The Menendez Brothers and even Lee Harvey Oswald rise to great notoriety, but what about the others?  What about the harmless misfits or oddballs who fly under the radar until they do something that’s just plain f***ing annoying?

Take, for example, the most recent misfit named Matthew Todd Miller — a kooky 25-year-old loon who looks amazingly like Saint Gerard Majella — the Roman Catholic Patron Saint of pregnant women.

Matthew Todd Miller is an American misift  — the annoying variety.  In real life he would be trying to be an actor or model or maybe he’d just work in retail as a confirmed bachelor, but instead he decided to visit North Korea and rip up his American passport with the added fun of “seeking asylum.”

Can you imagine this? This isn’t even funny — this is sick.  Even the maniacs in North Korea were able to notice his “hostile acts” and charge him criminally.

It’s very appropriate for Mary Todd Lincoln…I mean Matthew Todd Miller…to look a lot like a famous Roman Catholic saint because a lot of the saints were pretty nutty too.  It’s not easy to be made a saint, and a little lunacy doesn’t seem to have hurt the careers of any of those who have been chosen for sainthood.  This doesn’t mean that the crazy ones were bad people. It just means that you had to be a little nuts to lay down with lepers or see visions of Jesus or Mary or whomever.  But, if the end justifies the means, it’s okay.

Naturally we don’t know the whole story behind Matthew Todd Miller’s lunacy, and we’ll have to wait for his book to come out in March.  In a perfect world,  Matthew Todd Miller will marry Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi at the church of Saint Gerard Majella, and Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren — bless her heart — will have enough material for a month’s worth of shows.

One last thing.  I am not forgetting the other guy who got sprung from North Korea — Kenneth Bae.  He’s just an innocent missionary — that’s another word for “spy” — but that’s just my kooky opinion.  I love spies.  I think we should have them all over the place.  You can never have enough spies — or saints.

Gobble Gobble and Ho Ho Ho — it’s that time of year again, folks.

Whoa!  Before you start stuffing your bird and hanging your cheap, twinkling icicle lights,  please know that this little blog entry is not really “about” Thanksgiving or Christmas, it’s about all the alleged mind-manipulating shopping and big business controversies and ersatz super-greed that gets plopped on your Facebook page every f***ing day of the week.

“Basically, it’s about the thoroughly unhappy people who happily hate on essentially happy people just because it makes them happy.” [Dave Mattia].

It’s about American Mediocrities ( a race of people) battling with other various and sundry Mediocrities over bargain TVs and laptops and iPads, while unhappy Mediocrities who consider themselves to be above Mediocrity ( their shared ethnicity) stand aside and complain about it all on Facebook.

It’s not hard to find this repetitive and unimaginative and Mary Mary quite contrary shit.  It’s usually between the rants about some other heinous injustices about which they really don’t give a shit.

Some people are just too f***ing hip to live in earth, right?

It’s also about childishly intrusive atheists getting really angry about something that – in their opinion – does not exist.    Think about this.  Some people openly and defiantly do not believe in any gods or monsters so they hate them  — tell me how that makes any sense.   I always suspect that overt atheists have some other kind of mental health issues.  There is nothing wrong with not believing in gods or monsters, but when you make that your cause, odds are that there is something not right in your head.

Conversely, it’s also about once-or-twice-a-year religious people getting pissed off at the inexplicable ideas and perceived intrusions of the atheists.  There is something very annoying about religious people who put out a nativity scene around now and then wrap it up and put it in the attic until next year.   It’s creepy.

Anyway, it’s about mayhem, and cancelled flights and families stuck in a 20-mile traffic jam while the dead bodies of another family are pulled from the wreckage of a car that didn’t quite make it to Grandma’s house.

It’s about exasperation and disgust and poor preparation and unhappy relationships and breaking bread with the very same people you try hard to avoid all year long.

Okay, you were right the first time.  It’s about Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It didn’t used to be like this, and it doesn’t have to be like this today — especially the gift shopping aspect.

Here’s why.

Way back in the old days, when company owners and executives were not evil and merely out to turn a buck, Macy’s and Gimble’s and Bloomingdale’s were really run by sweet and kindly merchants who  paid the men and women  in their employ with bountiful amounts of money.

These kindly, white European males did not discriminate against minorities and they did not sexually harass the employees.  Everything was happy and fluffy.  Again, the old days were great because Happy Holiday People and the people who helped them to be happy were not evil businessmen.

STOP!

Of course they were evil businessmen, they were penny-pinching monsters — but they didn’t have 200 million miserable jerks  pecking away on Facebook ruining the whole thing for the hapless idiots who friend them in social media, and have to read their annoying shit every freaking day.

Yes, unhappy people,  we need you to constantly remind us that everything sucks and that Jesus is fake and the nativity scene is the most offensive thing that mankind every created.  It’s even worse than the atomic bomb.

Yes, we need you to tell us and the world that Christmas is a Pagan holiday and that Jerry Seinfeld’s idea of a Christmas pole is good and wholesome and better than anything.

We need to know on your every goddam status update all about how the horrible European Pilgrims  were really just evil white European men who gave venereal diseases to Native Americans.

Yes, we really need to hear that shit from you every time you sit down at the computer with some kind of infantile ax to grind.

If you’re wondering why Republicans hammered the Democrats in the last election, maybe you should think about how freaking annoying you are and how your moronic and often vicious opinions sent GOP voters to the polls like ants to a picnic.

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s start with the positive stuff, okay?   It’s always best to start at the beginning, and what could be better than starting on the upside?

So, guess what, all you holiday-hating jerks out there? And I know this is going to really sting — like iodine– but a lot of people truly enjoy Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays that fall into the realm of this winter thingamajig thing that we do.

Yes, there are people who love this holiday season, and they truly enjoy themselves.  They are content to believe in God and Pilgrims and great wise Indian chiefs who could share the spirit of the wolf.   Bless their hearts.

Yes, now you can buy gasoline and convenience food on Christmas and Thanksgiving because people from various cultures which exist outside of Christianity and other American stuffs open their pumps and milk refrigerators to accommodate you and to earn money for themselves and their families.

Why are some people just happy?   How can this be possible?

Let me explain.

Happy-Holiday-People are able to go about with their Happy Holiday because they are not preoccupied with their own fetid frustrations about god or gods or the Koch brothers or Sam Walton — or any combination therein.

They’re happy because they don’t busy themselves posting endless half-invented shit on Facebook about how the evil corporations are ruining the whole concept of Thanksgiving by staying open for business.

Doesn’t that suck?  Doesn’t it make you sick when other people have fun and family and presents and good health and love and mirth and puppies and kittens?    Does it suck so much that you have to be a complete ass wipe and screw up everything with your negativity and miserable-ness?

Grow up and pretend to enjoy something — for chrissakes.

Reporting exclusively for TheDamienZone.com — Damien LeGallienne

Singer, Toni Braxton, was recently blasted by myth-busters and urban legend debunkers when she stated she would not shop on Black Friday.   Braxton mentioned that the origins of the expression Black Friday came from the days of slave auctions — days when auctioneers would sell slaves at a discount.

Thank you to  this Hollywood writer for sending us on the right path to truth — click to read his quick bio — he is a smart guy – –> Dave Matt

Her claim was quickly dismissed by whomever it is that dismisses or debunks certain things, and it was quickly pointed out (incorrectly) that the term Black Friday actually started in the 1960s when police began referring to mad traffic jams on the day after Thanksgiving and it had nothing to do with the slave trade.

Well guess what?  TONI BRAXTON IS RIGHT!   The term Black Friday started in the slave trade and was again brought back into use in the 1930s and 40s when white merchants demanded a cut of black merchants weekly receipts — and historians know it.  Why is it being denied?

The term Black Friday was used during the slave trade to describe Friday afternoons in Port Au Prince, Haiti and Havana, Cuba as far back as the 16th century.   These were days when large amounts of slaves who had gone unsold were given one last chance on the auction block before the ships departed for Louisiana.

“It was thought to be too expensive to keep slaves around who were injured or sick or old and they had these sales in the two major ports that were used to unload slaves at very cheap prices,” said historian “Raymond Totondi” — a physician and research genealogist who works at the Skylight Institute for Historical Enlightenment in Bern, Switzerland.

“People with less money that the average slave owner would converge on these sales and the streets would be crowded to overflowing.   Most people could not afford to buy slaves but an average person would take a chance for $60.00 in silver for a slave who could not walk or was lame, and use him as a shoe repairman or a to operate a sewing machine or a loom.  Many old women were used as housekeepers and maids by white families of modest means as a way to boost their status in the community. ” 

Totondi continued:

“There was no way they would ship these people back to Africa or to other parts of the Caribbean, so they reserved Fridays –usually the last Friday of the month — for selling this kind of overstock in  human trade.  The problem was that so many people were seeking bargains that most of the slaves who were being sold went for more than market value.”

“Even still, the market place was so crowded with onlookers and bargain hunters that local businesses thrived.  It was then decided to have these Black Friday sales once a month and each slave would actually be bought by a fake bidder.   It became a big ruse and continued for nearly 60 years.

“The real intention was to drive people to the market place to drive up the local economy.  When the sale of these fake slaves was over and the local merchants counted out their daily earnings for goods, they had to give 20% of their profits to the slave sales company.   Handing this money over to the slave traders angered the local merchants and they too started to call these days Black Friday because they felt that they were being robbed by the slave traders.  They said the salve traders had black hands — hands tarnished by coins and always held out demanding their cut.  Later, the term Black Hand traveled to Italy where it was used to describe extortion or protection rackets.”

So there you have it, folks.  Toni Braxton’s story is NOT an urban legend.  Of course a lot of big business wants you to think it’s all an urban legend, but it is not.

According to another historian, the term Black Friday entered back into the language during the Great Depression when black owned shops and poultry farmers in the south started having to pay “protection” money  to merchants with bigger businesses.  Most of the small businesses were owned by Blacks and they had to hand a certain amount of money over to the local white merchants so they could stay in business.  They were warned that it would be a “Black Friday” if they didn’t pay.

Toni Brxton — you were right !